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茫茫長夜,以夢為馬。
擁有真正是比較文學的文友,實在難得! ……。 一些連記憶都隱埋在現實的日子裡,漸漸地我能理智地歸納出《聖經》傳的道,是『智慧』,人要從一切虛空之中覺悟,方是智慧。
——齊邦媛:《巨流河》 |
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未名湖是個海洋 詩人都藏在水底 靈魂們都是一條魚 也會從水面躍起 就在這裡就在這裡 就在這裡就在這裡 …… 我的夢,就在這裡 ——許秋漢:《未名湖是個海洋》
未名湖是個海洋?莫名乎?未名乎?未名湖,是否知道一切?是否知道在牠身邊,一代一代上演著關於青春、成長、快樂、迷茫以及愛與恨的變奏。
從「廢園」到「燕京」,「一塔湖圖」。此非「妄語」焉!?
「我記得,陪著哭泣的母親去的祖墳,四周種滿了高大的松樹,芍藥花開在大樹蔭庇之下,風雪中有足夠的擋蔽。 我記得,祖母把我採回的一大把花,插在大花瓶裡,放在大飯桌上,整個屋子都好像亮起來了。 祖墳松柏,隨著故園摧毀,那瓣瓣晶瑩的芍藥花,卻永遠是我故鄉之花。」 ——齊邦媛:《巨流河》
齊邦媛回顧其一生漂流之作,那個涕淚飄零年代的親情,愛情, 文學,教育,生命,死亡和家國之思,如今有多少心靈可與之貼近吶?
那情況,一如英國「維多利亞孤寂詩人」馬脩 · 安諾德(Matthew Arnold,1822 - 1888)在訪游位於法國東北部阿特伊斯(Artois)地區聖靈山谷的卡爾特寺院(The Grande Chartreuse)後的浪漫主義抒情長詩《大夏圖寺詩章》("Stanzas From the Grande Chartreuse,1855 ")中的名句:「徘徊在兩個世界間,舊世界已逝, / 新的無力誕生。」("Wandering between two worlds, one dead, / The other powerless to be born.")在那種充滿不安的時代,那些詩句沈重地盤旋在齊邦媛的心中,那為其想象可及的時代。
可想而知,齊邦媛與那些「以夢為馬」("run with the dream ")之詩人一樣,「愛如一炬之火」("Love like a torch of fire "),以渡茫茫長夜。
此所謂,巨流詩路,以夢為馬。
籍此,將齊邦媛在《巨流河》中所涉對其影響之詩章整理彙編於此,以為日後學習中外文學之友可借鑒之資料。
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■ 齊邦媛《巨流河》中所涉詩章引薦:
●《她聽到風暴(She Hears the Storm,1917)》 此為英國「跨越兩個世紀的作家」托馬斯 · 哈代(Thomas Hardy,1840 - 1928,英國詩人,小說家)描寫田園生活的詩章。全詩 20 行五節。出生於英國西南部的多塞特郡(Dorset),毗鄰「一片蒼茫萬古如斯」埃格敦荒原(Egdon Heath)的哈代,這裡濃重的地方色彩的自然環境,日後成了其作品的主要背景、詩者對自然的關註,其實為其對人類命運的關註。其從自然萬物的命運中,看到了人類的悲劇命運,但同時其又為個改良論者。早年,其浪跡於森林田野和草原上,聽到不少民謠和民間故事,多為荒涼的路口和墳園故事,逐漸形成一種悲觀失望的人生觀。認為,人就是孤立無援與上帝奮鬥。在他的作品中,其對現實的揭露,對生活悲劇的描寫,對受苦的人民充滿同情,最終隻是為了正確的診斷出疾病,向人類的生存困境發出預警,以達到使人類社會進化向善的目的。在此詩章中,即為寓情於理,愛情永恒。即便有風暴,也為因愛而起。「意象」在詩中,為語言自然的組成部分,絲毫沒有一點雕飾的痕跡。埃格敦荒原的狂風暴雨、夜的昏暗和多塞特郡的陰鬱,在詩文中卻閃耀著希望的火花和博愛的溫暖。詩雲:「在前幾年曾經有一段時間—— / 而我屋頂上的樹—— / 乃我有一直不安的恐懼 / 因為這,在這樣的夜晚。// 我會焦急地低聲喃喃說,/ 『寒雨刺骨;/ 光禿禿的樹,/ 使牠更為蒼老。』// 而今一陣陣的咆哮聲,/ 德茲庫姆樹木發出單調而低沈的廻聲,/ 洶湧的洪水在荒野裡, / 攜帶著梅爾斯托的泥漿離去,// 蠟燭被邪惡的黑暗傾斜,/ 茅草的掙扎聲,/ 在屋檐下的窗口輕彈,/ 喋喋不休地在園門前,// 而牠們的意思對旅人意味著甚麼,/ 我幾乎沒有在意;/ 牠在屋頂上已經贏得了她的那場暴風雨 / 此為自然給予她的所有。」("There was a time in former years-- / While my roof-tree was his-- / When I should have been distressed by fears / At such a night as this. // I should have murmured anxiously, / ‘The pricking rain strikes cold; / His road is bare of hedge or tree, / And he is getting old.’// But now the fitful chimney-roar, / The drone of Thorncombe trees, / The Froom in flood upon the moor, / The mud of Mellstock Leaze, // The candle slanting sooty wick’d, / The thuds upon the thatch, / The eaves-drops on the window flicked, / The clacking garden-hatch, // And what they mean to wayfarers, / I scarcely heed or mind; / He has won that storm-tight roof of hers / Which Earth grants all her kind. ")「到了二十世紀第一位重要作家哈代(Thomas Hardy,1840 - 1928),帶我們進入了一個親切熟悉的世界。他以小說著稱於世,但他中年後,開始寫詩。哈代的詩,甚少飄逸潇灑的『仙品』("Fairy Products "),總是淡而微澀,很貼近我實際的人生。人到中年以後,夢幻漸逝,每次讀《她聽到風暴》("She Hears the Storm,1917 ")都有不同的感動。」(齊邦媛:《巨流河》) ●《喚我(The Voice,1912 )》 此為英國傑出現實主義詩人哈代的一部浪漫的抒情詩。寫於 1912 年 12 月,為悼念其亡妻愛瑪(Emma Gifford,1840 - 1912)。老年喪偶的哈代,其妻的亡故,引起其真正的悲傷。其憑吊了他們婚前同遊過的一些地方,眷戀激起其的無限詩情,一首首抒情詩從其心中湧出。此詩出自其懷唸愛瑪的悼亡詩集《1912 - 1913 年的詩》。整首詩至始至終都回蕩著兩個聲音:一個為幻覺中女人對詩者的呼喚,另一個則為詩者發自內心對女人的呼喚,二者呼喚交融一體,構成了詩者心中的這種復雜情感。詩者對愛情的渴望和懷念,與死亡定格成一對矛盾。其認為,死亡為註定的(doomed),為天意;但從感情上又不願接受。因而,隻能懷著遺憾與惋惜去思唸。於是,詩人愈加緬懷往昔青春歲月,傾訴了對亡妻的深切懷唸和真摯愛戀。全詩充滿柔情,現在與過去,夢幻與現實,思唸與痛楚融合交替,詩雲:「我深深懷戀的女人,我聽見你的聲音,/ 一聲聲地把我呼喚,說你現在不再像從前 / 與我疏遠的模樣,/ 又復是當初,我們一起幸福的容顏。// 莫非那真是你的呼聲?那就讓我瞧瞧你,/ 就象那時我走近小鎮,你站在那裡 / 等候我,是呵,就象那時我熟知的你,/ 一襲天藍,與眾不同的裙裝!// 也許,這隻是微風倦怠地輕拂 / 飄過濕潤的草地,吹到我身邊,/ 而你已永遠化為空白、無知無常,/ 無論遠近,再也聽不見?// 於是我,蹣跚踉蹌向前,/ 在紛紛落葉之中,/ 北風颯颯透過荊棘叢間,/ 聽到那年輕女子的聲音喚我。」("Woman much missed, call to me, / Call to me, Saying that now you are not as you were / When you had changed from the one who was all to me, / But as at first, when our day was fair. // Cab it be you that I hear? Let me view you, then, / Standing as when I drew near to the town / Where you would wait for me: yes, as I knew you then, / Even to the original air-blue gown! // Or is it only the breeze, in its listlessness / Traveling across the wet mead to me here, / You being ever dissolved to wan wistlessness, / Heard no more again far or near? // Thus I; faltering forward, / Leaves around me falling, / Wind oozing thin through the thorn from norward, / And the woman calling. ")齊邦媛在《巨流河》中,這樣寫道:「在病痛、甚至大大小小的手術中,《喚我》("The Voice,1912 ")詩中情境:『在紛紛落葉之中,/ 我,踉蹌前行,/ …… / 聽到那年輕女子的聲音喚我。』("Thus I; faltering forward, / Leaves around me falling, / ... / And the woman calling.")那聲音的力量,實際地助我忍受疼痛,將心思轉移到宇宙洪荒,歲月輪回之時。」 ●《古豔歌(Ancient Love Songs,ac.25 - 220)》 此為中國古代樂府歌辭的著名詩歌總集《漢樂府集》("Yuefu Songs of the Han Dynasty ")中一篇詩文,又名《古怨歌》,作者佚名。詩文雖然隻有寥寥數字,卻纏綿哀怨,極易引起人們共鳴。上兩句以動物起興,興中兼含比喻。寫棄婦被迫出走,猶如孤苦的白兔,往東去卻又往西顧,雖走而仍戀故人。比喻自己被棄而終戀故人;下兩句為說服故人也應該念舊。「記得,在孟志蓀老師課上背過漢樂府『古豔歌』(Yuefu Songs of the Han Dynasty’s "Ancient Love Songs "):『煢煢白兔,東走西顧。/ 衣不如新,人不如故。』("A lonely rabbit runs, walks when looks around, anxiety layer on layer. / For clothes, new ones are better than old ones; For a friend, the former is better. ")想到臺灣,乃至中國的文化,這佰年來,不也相當淒淒惶惶嗎?」(齊邦媛:《巨流河》) ●《蘇諾的一生(The Life of Suno,1988 )》 此為臺灣詩人蘇紹連(Su Shao - lien,筆名「米羅 · 卡索」、「管黠」、「蘇少憐」,1949 - )的敘事詩代表作,收錄於其獲獎詩集《童話的遊行》中。詩者由九首組詩,構築「經營戲劇」般之「蘇諾的一生」。一如蘇紹連自述所言:「遊行的腳印從一九四九年我出生開始,毫無停息地在時代的路上一步接著一步向前踩著;我在這無數的腳印中找到了九個深深烙在臺灣土地上的腳印。我今日來測量,製作九隻鞋子。」誠然,在幽暗的年代裡,任何生命都要小心翼翼,才能活著,否則朝不保夕;否則故事無法緩緩蔓延,情節也無法穿梭傳遞,抵達不了另個年代的洞口,看不見溫煦的光。詩雲:「鮮紅的太陽穿越,劈開雲層 / 抵達黑夜的巢穴 / 我隨後穿梭,前往 / 像一根火柴棒,劃過危險地帶 / 在碰撞時冒出火花 // 巢穴中的鳳凰被太陽光焚燒 / 成爲一堆灰燼啊 / 冷卻的我 / 熄滅的我 / 僅留十根手指頭 / 在灰燼中搜集自己的殘骸 // 並且 / 將之秘密組合成鳳凰原來的形體 / 期待第二天黎明時複活」("Red sun through, split clouds / Arrived in darkness’s Lair / Then I shuttle, go to / Like a matchstick, across the danger zone / When collision emits the spark // Lair of the Phoenix is the sun light burned / Become a pile of ashes / I cooled / I extinguished / Leaving only ten fingers root / To collect his remains in the ashes // And / The secret will be combined into the original shape of Phoenix / When dawn the next day looking forward to the resurrection ") ●《贈衛八處士(For Wei the Eighth,759 )》 此為中國現實主義詩人杜甫(Du Fu,712 - 770)詩集中經典的五言古詩。作於詩人被貶華州司功參軍之後。描寫詩者在一個春天的夜晚偶遇少年知交衛八的情景,暢飲話舊的生動場景和深厚的情誼。當時正是安史之亂,人們流離失所,奔波無定,親朋之間也往往是別易會難。詩者對此也有深切的感受,所以通過和友人春夜重逢,傾訴離情,來表現人們所共感的這一主題。全詩剪裁得當,描寫生動,語言精練。有情景逼真,兼極頓挫之妙。詩雲:「人生不相見,動如參與商。/ 今夕複何夕,共此燈燭光。/ 少壯能幾時,鬓發各已蒼。/ 訪舊半爲鬼,驚呼熱中腸……。」("How rarely together friends are! As Morning Star with Evening Star. / O what a rare night is tonight? Together we share candlelight. / How long can last our youthful years? Grey hair on our temples appears. / We find half of our friends departed. How can we not cry broken-hearted... ")齊邦媛在《巨流河》中,描寫其故友魯巧珍在病榻前詠誦此詩的情景。寫道: 「她氣息微弱地堅持唸下去,直到『明日隔山嶽,世事兩茫茫。』("Mountains will divide us tomorrow. O What can we foresee but sorrow! ")我俯身在她床沿,淚不能止。她斷斷續續在喘息之間,說了些別後五十年間事,青春夢想都已被現實擊破,『你到臺灣這些年,可以好好讀書,好好教書,真令我羨慕。』她勸我珍惜已有的一切,好好活著。我茫然走出醫院時,知道這重逢便是訣別。 回到臺灣,便接到她去世的消息。那年,她六十九歲。」 ●《金縷曲(The Burial Song,1658)》 此為清代文學家,詞人顧貞觀(Gu Zhen - guan,原名「華文」,1637 - 1714,晚明東林黨領袖顧憲成曾孫)所作的「仟古絕調」,哀怨情深。明清易代之際,顧貞觀為營救因在清順治十四年(1657)的「丁酉科場案」中受人無端被禍、誣陷,流配寧古塔(今吉林甯安)的摯友吳兆騫而數入京師。清順治十五年(1658)當顧貞觀接到吳兆騫從戍邊寄來信時,才知吳在戍邊的苦況:「塞外苦寒,四時冰雪,鳴鏑 呼風,哀笳帶血,一身飄寄,雙鬢漸星。婦復多病,一男兩女,藜藿不充,回唸老母,煢然在堂,迢遞關河,歸省無日……」。時顧貞觀在北京,讀之凄傷不已又一籌莫展,故作《金縷曲 》詞兩首贈之,聊表悲慰之情:「……行路悠悠誰慰藉?母老家貧子幼。/ 記不起、從前杯酒。/ 魑魅搏人應見慣,總輸他、覆雨翻雲手!/ 冰與雪,周旋久。// 淚痕莫滴牛衣透。/ 數天涯、依然骨肉,幾家能夠?/ 比似紅顏多命薄,更不如今還有。/ 隻絕塞、苦寒難受。/ 廿載包胥承一諾,盼烏頭、馬角終相救。……。」("...Being far away from home with no one comforting you while your aged mother and young children are living in poverty back home. / I Cannot remember the scene of drinking wine with you. / You should be accustomed to seeing that good people are always being set up by bad people, and good men are always defeated by demons because they are not evil enough. /(in Ninggu town,)You have been dealing with snow and ice in the frozen and snow-covered land for a very long time. // Your tears on your shabby clothes but please don’t make them soaked. / Because from afar, After all, the fortunate thing is your family is still having united together.How many families still can do that? / This is like many beautiful women who would end up having a bad fate. Today, there are even more people in the similar situation as yours. / In a far frontier wasteland , in a cold and unbearable environment, / 20 years ago, that he promised to rescue him no matter what happens. Shen Bao-xu is his role model. Though hope is frail, will eventually be rescued. ")詞者以詞代書,情深意切,淒涼哀絕,字字泣血。傾訴了顧貞觀對放逐邊陲的知己無限思唸之情,控訴了那翻雨覆雲的人間魑魅,表述了詞者「亦飄零久」與吳兆騫有著同樣命運的境遇,道出其對遭此厄運許多「死生師生」的深切懷念,寫得纏綿徘側,感人至深。讀來字字血、聲聲淚。康熙十五年(1676),清大學士納蘭明珠慕顧貞觀的才名,聘其為子納蘭性德(Nalan Xingde,亦作「納蘭容若」,1655 - 1685)授課。貞觀再入京館納蘭明珠家,教授性德之弟揆敘,二人得以訂交,恨相見之晚。清代最為著名的詞人納蘭性德看到這兩首詞後,幾度落淚,雖然他與吳兆騫素不相識,但當即擔保要救吳兆騫。經過他與其父納蘭明珠的佰般努力,五年後,吳兆騫得以獲贖還鄉。三個詞人共同寫就了一段關於友情的仟古佳話。詩雲:「置此劄,君懷袖。」("Please hide this letter with your oath into your sleeve. ")「半世紀前,她(一個勉強站立的老婦人,那倔得一吋都不肯讓的柳志琦,會彎腰)與友伴去了中共的解放區,我隻身來到臺灣,兩人不同的命運已定。吟誦清代顧貞觀《金縷曲》(Gu Zhenguɑn,1637 - 1714,清代詞人,"Gu Zhen - guɑn,The Burial Song,1658 ")『季子平安否?/ 便歸來,平生萬事,那堪回首?』("Are you all right out there?Are you safe or not? / Will you return to life? Everything is not worth looking back on? Everything is real and so many things are hard to explain in details, which make you feel difficult to look back on. ")的詞句,不勝唏嘘。」(齊邦媛:《巨流河》) ●《水龍吟(Water Dragon’s Chant,1081)》 此為中國宋代文人蘇東坡(Su Dong - pu,原名「蘇軾」,1037 - 1011,北宋文學家、書畫家)婉約詞中詠物詞的經典之作。此詩為作者因宋神宗元豐二年(1079)「烏臺詩案」被貶黃州的第二年,即宋神宗元豐四年(1081)春,謫居時賞識其好友章質夫(Zhang Zhi - fu,1027 - 1102,原名章楶,宋英宗治平二年【1065】進士,知陳留縣)形神兼備、筆觸細膩、輕靈生動頌詠楊花的詞文《水龍吟》,並和了這首《水龍吟 · 次韻章質夫楊花詞》("Water Dragon’s Chant:After the Same Rhyme of the Scheme of Zhang Zhifu’s Ci of the Same Title,1081 "),寄給章質夫,還特地吩咐不要給別人看。章質夫慧眼識珠,對此贊賞不已,也顧不得蘇東坡的特意相告,趕快送給他人欣賞,才使得這首仟古絕唱得以傳世。全詞構思巧妙,賦物言情,刻畫細致,虛實相生,筆墨入化,有神無跡,融情於物,以物體情,藉暮春之際「拋家傍路」("Roaming far away from your bowers ")的楊花,化「無情」("ruthess ")之花為「有思」("thee are thought ")之人,「直是言情,非復賦物」("Simply talking about emotions, rather than talking about objects. "),幽怨纏綿而又空靈飛動地抒寫著帶有普遍性的「離愁」("grief of parting ")。篇末那句「細看來 / 不是楊花,/ 點點是離人淚,」("I gazed at you more closely / Only to find you are not catkins of willow, / But tear-drops of the people parted in sorrow. "),實為顯誌之筆。仟佰年來,為人們反復吟誦、玩味,堪稱神來之筆,令人叫絕。詩雲:「……縈損柔腸,/ 困酣驕眼 / 欲開還閉。/ 夢隨風萬裡,/ 尋郎去處,/ 又還被鶯呼起。// 不恨此花飛盡,/ 恨西園落紅難綴。/ 曉來雨過,/ 遺蹤何在?/ 一池萍碎。」("...Your tender heed is broken, / And your wistful eyes so tired / that they will not open. / Though you so much desired, with the wind you have traveled so long a way, in a dream so sweetly, / Hoping to find out where your lover might stay, /Yet quite unfortunately, an oriole’s cry makes your dream broken. // I grieve not for the flower flying out of my eye, / But for the red fallen petals in the west garden unable to be restored, I did sigh. / At dawn after the rain, / where to be found their missing traces? / Only pieces of duckweed left in the pond. ")齊邦媛在《巨流河》中,這樣敘述著:「四月,正是柳絮飄飛的季節,撲頭蓋臉地落下。我和余瑜之在後面牽手而行。我看著前面七、八位同學的白發上和肩頭灑著零零落落的柳絮,不禁憶起當年在孟志蓀老師詞選課上,背過蘇東坡詠楊花的《水龍吟》("Su Dong - pu,Water Dragon’s Chant,1081 ")。她說,記得開頭是『似花還似非花……。』("Looking like flowers yet non - flowers... ")。我們接力背誦下去,『也無人惜從教墜,/ 抛家傍路,/ 思量卻是,/ 無情有思。/ …… / 一池萍碎。/ 春色三份,/ 二份塵土,/ 一份流水。/ 細看來 / 不是楊花,/ 點點是離人淚。』("You are pitied not but let fall like snow. / Roaming far away from your bowers, / To me, / You are full of sorrow,senseless though. / ... / Only pieces of duckweed left in the pond. / Of the three graces of the colorful spring, / Two have turned into dust already, And the other, water flowing. / I gazed at you more closely / Only to find you are not catkins of willow, / But tear-drops of the people parted in sorrow. ")站在這陌生的北京街頭,白茫茫的柳絮中,人生飄零聚散之際,這鋪天蓋地的惆悵,是詩詞也無法言說的啊!」 ●《舊約 · 傳道書(Holy Bible:Ecclesiastes,930 BC.)》 此為以色列耶路撒冷的一代帝王大衛(King David,1040 BC. - 971 BC.,猶太以色列國王,1000 BC. - 960 在位,詩人)的兒子所羅門王(King Solomon,1000 BC. - 931 BC.,猶太以色列國王,971 BC. - 931 在位,詩人)在聖靈感動下所寫的一篇對世事具有深刻認識之人生感悟,被列入「詩歌智慧書」的第四卷。書中指出,執筆的地點是在耶路撒冷(Jerusalem),因為招聚者「在耶路撒冷」作王。全書結構松散,辭句晦澀。其以自嘲的口吻,反思了人偏離神和其之話語而追求享樂的虛空無益。飽嘗了財富,權柄,尊榮,美名和肉體之樂的作者,晚年豐豐富富,一無所缺,末後卻隻落得虛空和失望的結局。其著傳道書的目的,乃希望在離世之前,把自己的懊悔和親身見證與他人,特別是年輕人分享,以作前車之鑒,為後人敲響了永世的警鐘,若想借助積攢財富,追逐名利來實現生命的價值,隻會落得完全的虛空。而信仰,乃為引向豐盛生命的唯一途徑。作者認為:「一代過去,一代又來,地卻永遠長存。 / 日頭出來,日頭落下,急歸所出之地。 / 風往南刮,又往北轉,不住的旋轉,而且返回轉行原道。 / 江河都往海裡轉,海卻不滿,江河從何處流,仍歸何處。 / 我知道我的救贖主活著,末了必站在地上。我這皮肉滅絕之後,我必在肉體之外得見上帝。」("One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever. / The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose. / The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits. / All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again. / For I know that my Redeemer lives, and that at the last he will stand up on the earth; and after my skin has been thus destroyed, then in my flesh I shall see God. ")此為約伯的信唸。無論承受多麼巨大的打擊、多麼絕望的境遇,都不可放棄希望、放棄信仰。《傳道書》道出「日光之下」的真相,意在啟示人們面對神靈時,要更為敬虔、要更加信靠;而非在虛空的人間世界作無謂的「自我稱義」、作徒勞無功地「自我救贖」。其旨在論證:僅從人和現世的角度觀照人生,隻會導向虛無與悲觀主義。但其沒有告訴人們為何上帝會給人「永恒意識」,而傳道者隻告訴人們如何接受「永恒意識」,並且建議人們過一種「有智慧的人生」。人對永恒的意識與追求,隻有在人遇見這位永恒的神靈時,才能真正得到滿足。正如古羅馬思想家奧古斯丁(St Aurelius Augustinus,354 - 430)所雲:「上帝造人時,在人心中留下一個空處,隻有他自己能夠填滿。」作者又曰:「而我又專心察明智慧、狂妄和愚昧,乃知這也是捕風。因為多有智慧,就多有愁煩;加增知識的,就加增憂傷。」("And I applied my mind to know wisdom and to know madness and folly. I perceived that this also is but a chasing after wind. For in much wisdom is much vexation, and those who increase knowledge increase sorrow.")皈依基督的齊邦媛在《巨流河》中,寫道:「我取下他(張大飛,她少年的玩伴)民國廿六年(1937)臨別相贈的《聖經》,似求指引,告訴我,在半世紀後,我該怎麽看他的一生;我的一生毫無阻隔地,一翻開竟是舊約《傳道書》("Holy Bible:Ecclesiastes ")的第三章:『凡事都有定期,天下萬物都有定時,生有時,死有時……; / 尋找有時,失落有時;保守有時,舍棄有時; / 撕裂有時,縫補有時;靜默有時,言語有時; / 喜愛有時,恨惡有時;爭戰有時,和好有時。』("There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--A time to give birth and a time to die...; / A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. / A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak. / A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace. ")這一切,似是我六十年來走過的路,在他的祝禱之下,如今已到了我『舍棄(生命)有時』之時了。所以,《傳道書》終篇提醒我,幼年快樂的日子已過,現在衰敗的日子已近;而我最愛讀的是牠對生命『舍棄有時』的象征:『不要等到日頭、光明、月亮、星宿變為黑暗,雨後雲彩返回。 / ……杏樹開花、蚱蜢成爲重擔,人所願的也都廢掉。因爲人歸他永遠的家,吊喪的在街上往來。 / 銀煉折斷,金罐破裂,瓶子在泉旁損壞,水輪在井口破爛。 / 塵土仍歸於地,靈仍歸於賜靈的神。 / 傳道者說,虛空的虛空,凡事都是虛空。』("Before the sun and the light, the moon and the stars are darkened, and clouds return after the rain. / ...The almond tree blossoms, the grasshopper drags himself along, and the caperberry is ineffective. For man goes to his eternal home while mourners go about in the street. / Remember Him before the silver cord is broken and the golden bowl is crushed, the pitcher by the well is shattered and the wheel at the cistern is crushed. / Then the dust will return to the earth as it was, and the spirit will return to God who gave it. / Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, all is vanity.")我再次讀牠已是由南京歸來,看到了黑色大理石上『張大飛』的名字。生辰和死亡的年月日,似乎有什麽具體的協議。一些連記憶都隱埋在現實的日子裡,漸漸地我能理智地歸納出《聖經》傳的道,是『智慧』,人要從一切虛空之中覺悟,方是智慧。」
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齊邦媛「英詩」課筆記手稿。
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